6 Things Not to Say to Married Women Who Kept Their Name

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Unlike most married ladies, especially the ones where I come from (Staten Island, NY), I didn’t change my last name when I married Paul. And just as being childhood sweethearts and an interfaith couple has caused confusion among traditionalists–and even forward-thinking folks who don’t realize their comments and questions can offend–so has this. Learn from those people’s mistakes and never utter these to women still proudly sporting their maiden names.

But then you won’t be connected to your children.
Anything that lives inside me for nine months, whether or not we share a last name, is pretty damn connected to me for life. This also presumes that my children will have only Paul’s last name, which might not even be the case.

Then you won’t be a united family.
Paul and I have this crazy plan to live in the same home as each other and our kids. We’ll eat dinner together, go on vacation together, and help each other when we need it. I have plenty of friends who share a name with their fathers–men they resent for leaving their families. I have a feeling we’ll be more united than they are.

That’ll be confusing for your kids.
Mommies and daddies have lots of differences. Paul grows hair on his face; I do not (usually). I have boobs (sort of); Paul does not (not yet at least). Paul’s name is Paul, and my name is Meredith. So I think our children will be able to process that Paul’s and my last names differ too.

That’s disrespectful to your husband.
So is it disrespectful that he’s not taking my last name? Why isn’t it disrespectful to my father if I change it? This logic is poop.

A girlfriend who wouldn’t take my last name would be a deal-breaker for me.
A friend of a friend said this to me, and I thought, “A boyfriend who was a total chauvinist like you are would be a deal-breaker for me.” Besides, when you’re truly, completely in love with someone, her name shouldn’t be the reason you don’t propose marriage.

Oh, you’re such a career woman.
Sad, but true, this was also said to me. I’m as much a career woman as Paul is a career man, except nobody would ever call him a career man for having a job he enjoys. And while my byline, the name that’s associated with every article I’ve ever written for magazines and websites, is partly why I kept the name Meredith Bodgas, it’s not even a big part. The fact is at last count, there were fewer than a dozen people with the last name Bodgas on this planet (maybe there are more on Mars). And because so many of the people with that last name were slaughtered in the Holocaust, I’m hoping to help this name survive as long as I can, which is ironic because I have a notebook from 7th grade filled with scrawls of my first name with Paul’s last name. Then again, that was before I became “a career woman.”

What’s the most obnoxious remark you’ve heard someone make about a married woman who didn’t change her last name? Do you think a lady’s a little weird if she isn’t dying to assume half of her husband’s identity?

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http://twitter.com/alyssaloring Alyssa Loring

Totally support your reasons for keeping your name! It’s YOUR name, after all. My sister recently announced she’s not changing her name and caused quite the uproar.
- http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
  
  Thanks, Alyssa! Yes, exactly–people have as much right to weigh in on what I’m called as they to do pick my clothes and meals. I hope the folks who balked at your sis’s decision realize it’s SO none of their business.
Alix Honore

Totally agree! It shouldn’t be such a big deal if you don’t want to change it.
- mereditor
  
  Seriously.
http://twitter.com/santafetraveler TheSantaFeTraveler

I kept my own name when I got married 38 years ago. At that time, not many people did. It was uncharted waters. I was a pioneer. We had a none- he had a hyphenated name. It was a bit of a hassle for him, and if I was to do this part again, I might do it differently. And like you, we also come from different religious backgrounds. All these years later, I’m glad I kept my name and would do it again.
- mereditor
  
  Glad to hear you’re happy with your decision!
http://profile.yahoo.com/ZSX3AOIDUSZUGTLZDXRTNOIQSA Youyu.

I would change the name because it just sounds weird.
- http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
  
  I like my weird last name because it’s MY last name.
  - farla zooie
    
    it’s such a weird last name….like body gas…if i were you, i’d change it!
    - http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
      
      Yes, I got that when I was about 8 years old, but I think I’ll keep it
Marty46

My husband and I have been married for 42 years – and as
he says, “most of them happy!” To my
father-in-law’s dying day and my mother-in-law even to this day – they wondered
if we were legally married because all those years ago, I did the unthinkable
– kept my maiden name. My husband is a
strong, secure man who wasn’t worried that I loved him less. He simply realized it was important to me to
remain “me.” And I love him
even more for understanding that! During
our entire relationship, he has been and is still my rock…I love him dearly!
- http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
  
  Love this story! Thanks for sharing, Marty!
JustInTime205

All of these
people claiming that you must retain your maiden name to prevent the trouble of
divorce, IF it were to happen, are setting themselves up for failure. The
divorce rate in this country is sky rocketing, and it’s “forward
thinking” like this that is partly to blame. I believe that it is an honor
for a woman to take the man’s name, it’s not giving up yourself, your maiden
name is still in existence, you still put it on applications, your children
still use it for student loan applications, among other things. This article is
stupid because there is no right answer. My opinion is that a family should
share the same last name, Mr. and Mrs. Smith is much better than Mr. John
Smith, and Mrs. Jane White-Smith. Do what you want, but stop coming up with
idiotic explanations for your own justification, you should love your husband
enough to give him the honor of taking his name and creating a family under
neath it. It’s always been that way and it doesn’t make a woman any less of a
woman. If you feel that way, than maybe you are with the wrong man.
- http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
  
  Why is it less of an honor to keep a name that people died for having?
  - JustInTime205
    
    Who said it was less of an honor to keep a name that people died for having? Do you read comments before you reply? I said that it’s always been that way and it doesn’t make a woman any less of a woman by taking the last name of your husband. Your reply was completely unrelated to anything I had to say. Been a long time reader but your high and mighty attitude just lost you another reader.
    - http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
      
      You said: “I believe that it is an honor for a woman to take the man’s name.”
      
      I should’ve responded: “Is it less of an honor to keep a name that people died for having?” instead of assuming that you do think it’s less of an honor.
      
      Thanks for being a long-time reader, but you called my reasons for keeping my name idiotic, made an assumption that I don’t love my husband enough because I didn’t take his last name–and then said I’m high and mighty.
      
      I agree with you that a woman isn’t less of a woman if she changes her last name. But a mother isn’t less of a mother if she doesn’t share her name with her children. A man isn’t less of a man if he changes his name to his wife’s. And just because something has been a certain way for a while doesn’t mean someone doesn’t have the right to change it as it pertains to herself, as my name does.
      - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9507644 Sara Bittner
        
        I’m a new reader, and I am happy to replace JustInTime. I’ve been engaged for a few months and have been going back and forth as to whether to keep my name as is, or to hyphenate to include the husband elect’s last name. We had our son unplanned (he’s turning 3 this May), and I’ve had a different last name from him the whole time, and I am not less of a mother for it. In fact, the reason I’m thinking about not changing anything is because having a different last name has been SUCH a nonevent in the past 3 years, which included an international move, residency permit, and buying a home. And it NEVER MATTERED that my name was different.
      - http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
        
        Aw, happy to have you Sara! I’m so glad to hear that it hasn’t mattered that your last name is different from your (extremely adorable) son’s! Congrats on your engagement!
http://profile.yahoo.com/V4YNRCFRKTUS34DJ2Q4UCWUVO4 Trisha

If keeping your maiden name is “the unthinkable” then I have really set the bar of keeping my first husbands last name when I remarried. Yes, it was to give my children a connection to a parent, and my current husband still proposed after I offered that we both change our last names with a hyphen to include both of our last names; his and my maiden.
- http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean
  
  My mother did the same thing. She took my father’s name because she simply liked it better and also because it is a name that is difficult to pin an ethnicity to (this was many moons ago obviously!). It was advantageous in her career and when she and my dad divorced and she eventually met and married my step father she kept it because she likes it (and my step-dad’s name doesn’t work well with her first). I say to each their own.
Amanda Marron

It’s pretty crazy how upset people get about it–and the subject of name-changing in general when it comes to marriage. I changed mine, partially because I like my husband’s last name, partially because my maiden name (and my first name as well) are both very common and I was tired of getting confused with other women named “Amanda Jackson,” and partially because it was just what I wanted to do. Strangely enough, I’ve had more comments and shocked questions about why I chose to change it than I would have expected, but it really makes me wonder why people take so much of an interest in it, and why they think it really matters whether I do or don’t to anyone outside of our family. My parents are fine with it, my grandparents are fine with it…does anyone else’s opinion even matter, if they’ve okayed it? At work they looked startled when I brought in a copy of my marriage license and driver’s license to have it changed, too, which made me feel like no one must be changing their name anymore.

Good for you for keeping your name because that’s what you want to do. I have a Jewish friend who kept her name when she married because she’s the last of her family with that name and wanted to pass it on to her son, especially since her husband was not born Jewish and converted later, so that there would still be a Jewish name in the family. Their son has a hyphenated last name, and it works fine.
Whitney Hill

Here’s one I got from a male colleague when I said I’d be keeping my name after I get married: “You ought to change your name to prove you’re fully committed to him and to the marriage.” His personal history with women aside, why shouldn’t my future husband change his name to prove he’s committed to me? Or why shouldn’t we swap names in that case? I wouldn’t marry a man I wasn’t committed to, I like my name and I’m keeping it – and anyway, how is it fair that only half of the couple has to go through the hassle of changing the name?
- http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
  
  Infuriating! I never understand that–doesn’t the fact that I married him show that I’m committed to him?! And I agree–why is it only the woman’s place to “show she’s committed” by changing her name?
grazalema

No need to explain your decision – who asks the man why he’s keeping his name and not ‘honouring’ or ‘respecting’ his wife by taking hers. It really is appalling in 2012 that this is even an issue.

To the person who asked me what was the point of getting married if I wasn’t changing my name my response was “I had no idea that marriage was founded on a shared name – I thought it was founded on a shared set of values, love and mutual respect for one another”.

I remain mad at the registrar who, despite being told I was keeping my name, still introduced us as Mr & Mrs X after our ceremony. It was the one low point of our day.

I totally agree with everything Meredith has said but look forward to the day when it is just an accepted choice.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1274684753 Cristina Gómez Ballesteros

I find this so strange! Here in Spain, we have two names: the father’s name and the mother’s name. We all keep our names when we get married and then our kids have both names. I don’t understand why someone would feel that not taking your husband’s name is disrespectful or bad to your kids!
- http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
  
  I like how they do it in Spain, Cristina! Thanks for weighing in.
Alexis_H

ANOTHER list of things not to say to you? Wouldn’t it be easier to just make a list of the things that don’t elicit offense and self-righteous indignation from you? That would probably be a very short list.
BigMike1285

I feel really bad for your husband. Most women are honored to take their new husband’s last name, as they should be. Since you didn’t take his name, you should give back your engagement ring. Either that, or you should have gotten him something of equal value. He gets you a ring, gets down on one knee and throws himself out there, asking him to marry you. And what does he get in return? Nothing. He gets you the ring, you take his name. It’s not that complicated. I’m sorry, but women should not be allowed to have EVERYTHING. It’s immature, embarrassing, disrespectful, and a disgrace to not take the husband’s last name. It shows that being “independent” is more important than being a single married unit. Any man who isn’t spineless would agree with me on this.
- http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
  
  He got a 42″ flat-screen LCD TV (which cost the same as my ring back then) as an engagement gift from me. But even if he hadn’t, marriage isn’t about exchanging a ring for a name. It’s about making a promise to love each other and face life’s challenges and triumphs together. You can do this without an engagement ring and a big-screen TV. That was just the path we went in to celebrate.
  - BigMike1285
    
    Well at least you got him something I can respect that. But it’s still disrespectful, even in this day and age. Men are told to treat women with the utmost respect, even with more respect than our fellow men. Well, women need to return the favor. Not taking the name pretty much denies that man’s family.
    - mereditor
      
      But that’s one of the points I make: If it’s disrespectful to my husband’s family if I don’t take their last name, why isn’t it disrespectful to mine if I do take his name? Isn’t my husband denying my family by not taking my last name? And to say “because that’s how it’s always been done” is a dangerous rationale. Cheating on my husband would be disrespecting him. Keeping a last name that nearly died in the Holocaust is not disrespecting him or his family; it’s honoring my family.
      - BigMike1285
        
        Because you are a woman and he is a man! Jesus it’s not that complicated. Ever since I was a little boy, I have dreamed of having a Mrs. (my last name). I would be devastated if that wasn’t the case. I would only feel half-married. He’s not expected to take your name, because he’s a man. THAT’S HOW IT IS. Don’t you get sick of people calling your Mrs. (husbands name) and having to correct them? You might as well get it changed.
      - http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas
        
        And there’s that dangerous argument: “THAT’S HOW IT IS.” It was used as a reason why women shouldn’t be able to vote; why blacks shouldn’t be able to own property and more ideas that are now ridiculous. You can have your dream of marrying a woman who takes your last name, and I hope the person you fall in love with (or have already fallen in love with) has dreamed of taking her husband’s name. But don’t feel sorry for my husband because he doesn’t share your dream; he doesn’t feel sorry for you that THAT’s your dream. The point is that women should be allowed to choose what works best for them, regardless of what you, BigMike, think is best for them. I think I’ve been called Mrs. My Husband’s Name twice in the four years we were married. People mispronounce my last name all the time, and this is the same thing. I’m not going to change my name because of that. If you, as a man, treat women with the utmost respect, then you’d respect women’s choice to do what they want with their names because they’re THEIR names. And if you can’t respect a woman’s right to make that choice, you absolutely don’t have the utmost respect for women.
      - BigMike1285
        
        Well here’s the thing: a woman not taking the guy’s name to me means she is screaming at the top of her lungs: “I’m independent and I can do whatever I want!” From a guy’s perspective, there is nothing more annoying than that. It’s a major turn-off. I actually admire independent women. I admire those ones with great minds, great skills, and that can get by without the help of anyone. However, I cannot stand the ones who have to proclaim it constantly. Ever see a man do that? No. I will not have respect a woman who robs a man of his birth right. That’s right I said birth right. There are certain things men and women are entitled to. Women are surely entitled to much more this day and age, which makes me sick. Do NOT take that away from us. Our birth right as someone born a male is to carry on your FATHER’S last name for the rest of your life, and give that to your children and wife, as one family unit. I mean, really, I know the woman wears the pants in most relationships, why can’t you just let us have this one? Too much to ask?
        
        And another thing, I do not associate my wife taking my last name as “owning” her at all. I am not put on this earth to own anyone. Look at any typical relationship, do you really think the man is owning? If she isn’t happy, nobody’s happy. So I don’t know how anyone could possibly think men can own their wives/girlfriends.
      - mereditor
        
        This says it all: “Women are surely entitled to much more this day and age, which makes me sick.” Take a cough drop.
      - BigMike1285
        
        What….you think they aren’t?
      - mereditor
        
        You said it makes you sick that women are entitled to much more these days. Women should always be entitled to as much as men. It shouldn’t make you sick that the gap is closing between what men and women are entitled to.
      - BigMike1285
        
        No, that’s not what I said. I said that women are entitled to more than what men are entitled to these days.
      - http://www.facebook.com/people/Blair-Caviness/1341797624 Blair Caviness
        
        BigMike, two words : Benevolent Sexism.
        
        You’re chock full of it. You love and respect women….as long as women do what they’re supposed to.
        
        Sad, sad.
      - BigMike1285
        
        I’m not sexist, I just have a huge issue when women do shit like this that keep men from being men. Part of that is having a wife and family that identifies as having your last name. Anything else is unacceptable from a man’s point of view. (Well, any man who isn’t spineless.)
      - acg1983
        
        I know these comments were made months ago but I cannot help commenting. I am horrified that in the year 2012, there is flat out sexism at this epic epic level. If a woman wants to change her name, that is one thing. HOWEVER, to act as if she must do that is just beyond anything. Not to mention, the argument as to why she should is “because you are a woman and he is a man.” Next thing you know, this poster will claim we shouldn’t have the right to vote.
      - mereditor
        
        Totally agree. I thought it was a joke at first. His comments, not to mention his username, are dripping with insecurity, and since he can’t fault his own sex for that, he blames it on women. It’s scary people like this still exist and scarier that they think their way is the right one.
      - http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean
        
        That’s bullshit. If you believe that then find some backwards woman who will do what you say and stop reading posts on the internet you don’t agree with.
      - BigMike1285
        
        There’s nothing more annoying than women who don’t know their place….this page is loaded with them.
      - mereditor
        
        Because if anyone knows his place, it’s you…on a weddings, marriage and baby blog for women. If you do find someone you want to marry someday, show her everything you’ve said here about women. And if she still wants to be with you, then you’ll have exactly the kind of marriage for which you’ve yearned.
      - http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean
        
        I literally do not know any men who believe this who are under the age of 60. Literally. Not my father, not my father in law, not my husband or any of his or my friends. There is no way this is for real. I smell a troll.
      - http://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.stone.921 Elizabeth Stone
        
        So, how do you take this one, Mike?
        
        For us, it was my husband’s idea for me to keep my name. I hadn’t even really thought about it and he came to me and said “Liz, I really can’t think of you with a different name than the one that I have known you by for the last seven years. I think you should keep your name, because it’s who you are.” I agreed with him, as it would also be weird for Ian to lose his name and we both value those identities. Our decision to keep our own names had nothing to do with screaming or entitlement, we just wanted to keep the same identities that we had when we fell in love.
      - http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean
        
        I can’t wait until the entire generation of half-men loser like you dies off. Real men aren’t put off because their women refuse to be treated like chattel and branded with their husband’s name for the rest of their lives. I am so happy men like you are now few and far between. You sound like someone’s cranky great grandfather. I supposed women shouldn’t work outside the home as well? How did you even learn to use the internet? Idiot.
      - BigMike1285
        
        And I’m glad bullshit feminist women are few and far between. Jesus Christ, know your damn role, and shut your damn mouth. The type of woman who insists who keeping their last name is not a woman most men would want anything to do with, and for good reason. The fact still remains that everybody in the same family should have the same last name, and the ONLY way to do that is by taking the damn husband’s name. The insecurity of believing that taking your husband’s last name will mean ownership is absolutely pathetic.
- Denise Woods
  
  What about women who propose to their men? I proposed to my boyfriend on New Year’s Eve and we both decided to keep our names. I think many traditions are illogical, especially this one. This also isn’t something EVERYONE does, in other countries naming conventions are very different than here. Clearly it’s also not the norm everywhere in the US either since so many people keep their names in New York, too. Just because you think it’s the “correct” way doesn’t mean everyone else thinks so. You can go off and marry whomever you wish and have them change their name. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but to say that you feel bad for people making different life decisions than you while calling these men spineless and the women selfish is just disrespectful.
- http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001369952906 Alexa Rae
  
  My husband and I decided together that I would keep my last name and he would keep his. In fact, when the issue came up at work, he told me that he would actually be upset if I changed my name. He knows that I don’t particularly want to change my name. It has nothing to do with wanting independence, but instead the idea that this is my identity. He also understands that the taking of the man’s surname is an antiquated tradition that was used to show ownership. My husband is the first to tell you that he does not “own” me. I am not property, nor is he. I would never ask anyone to take my name; just as I would not agree to take another’s name. My personal identity is set. For some men, this would not be okay. You are allowed to think what you want, but remember that women who chose to keep their names have the same right. Honestly, I am not sure why my personal choice even matters to other people. Does the keeping of my own name cause you pain? Does it hurt your family or your friends? No. So why waste your time fighting a one sided battle?
- supernaturalmylifemylove
  
  I don’t think that’s true at all. My husband to be would actually prefer me to keep my last name. I have not decided fully whether to hyphenate or just keep my name. When I ask him why he wants me to keep my last name he tells me “I fell in love with Sarah ‘Last name’ and that’s who you are to me.
- MrsEsq
  
  Well, if the couple has kids – she will give him kids. When you can come up with a comeback to that, I will entertain your opinion. I have three college degrees, a whole professional community who knows me, as me. I think your concern about value of her engagement ring is a concern. I think hubby’s true feelings are much more significant than the value of the ring.
- http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean
  
  Gag me. My army veteran husband (who was fine with me keeping my last name and didn’t feel the need to do the whole embarrassing down on one knee bullshit) would take a punk like you on any day. He wasn’t spineless when he was fighting for your freedom to be a chauvinist and he isn’t one now. This literally made me laugh out loud.
  - mereditor
    
    Thank you SO much for sharing this, Frances.
  - WelcometotheJungle12
    
    My father is a successful and anything-but-spineless person who couldn’t have cared less when my mother chose to keep her name (he felt it was entirely her choice, and he is secure in himself and his marriage.) And in the same vein as the military comment above – my boyfriend is also military, and has no issue with me keeping my last name if we choose to marry (he knows that’s what I would do.) Why would you presume to tell other people what to do, or to imply that such a choice makes a woman “immature” and “disrespectful?” I think perhaps you are the immature one, BigMike.
- BigMike1285
  
  Go fuck yourself.
http://zuungols.myminicity.com/ind Bichon Bisou

I’m getting married very soon, and I’m still deciding if I want to change my name. It seems like getting new documents and whatnot will be a pain in the ass, and my betrothed doesn’t care either way. I don’t think any of my friends or family will care if I don’t change it, but I’m sure someone will make a crass comment!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001369952906 Alexa Rae

I hate when people suggest that I am somehow less committed to my husband/marriage because I did not change my name. I think that the 8.5 years we were together prior to marriage is a testament to our love for each other. As a side note, I honestly dislike that anybody should have a problem with a choice I make for my personal life. It does not hurt anyone and my husband and I are both happy.
Lynn Newsom

I love it when people suggest that having a different last name must be a hassle. Nope, it has caused exactly zero problems for me.

The other is that it will confuse my children’s teachers. I was a school secretary for years. There were families where everyone had different last names. All of the children still got educated.
- http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean
  
  I always get confusion from my daughter’s teachers, but sometimes I think it’s straight up judgement and not confusion at all because really, it isn’t that hard to understand. I had one teacher outright ask me why I kept my last name, as if I was a heretic. It only makes matters worse that my oldest is from a previous relationship and she has an entirely different last name!
http://www.facebook.com/susan.gellman Susan Gellman

Well, I have been married for 30 years, and it hasn’t ever been a problem for us.

The silliest thing anyone said: “But how will the mailman know you are married?”

The most tiresome: a variation on “but what will your children’s names be?” – We hyphenated our children’s names, and you wouldn’t believe how many people asked, “What happens if they then marry someone else with a hyphenated name?” with a triumphant air that suggests that they are the first person to think of that. I don’t see what the big difference is between that and marrying someone with a single last name. My answer was always, “They’ll do exactly the same thing as we did: whatever suits them, without worrying about what we expected.”

And that is exactly what happened. Our son got married last year. His bride has decided to take his whole, hyphenated name. Surprised me — I wouldn’t have — but that’s what suits them, so that’s exactly what they should do.

And by the way, it is both perfectly legal and socially acceptable to use more than one name for most purposes (not passport or SS card) anyway, if you like, as long as it isn’t fraudulent.
- mereditor
  
  Thank you so much for sharing this. I love that your daughter-in-law took your son’s whole hyphenated name. A woman I worked with had added her husband’s name to her hyphenated name…and she has a hyphenated first name. It’s what worked for her, so why should anyone question it? And congrats to your son!
http://profile.yahoo.com/CWIMO6E5YPUXAZ3VIDRGUI5IUI Ani

Hi, just was googling something and came across this article and loved it. Things is that in my country (I’m from Georgia, Europe) no one (well nearly) takes her husband’s last name and I absolutely love the way we are doing it. This does not have anything to do with being disrespectful or carrier oriented feminist, just the fact is that I’m from a different family and even though I’m creating my own, still want to keep my roots and yes, my kids will have both family names, mine and my husband’s. anyway thanks for sharing the post
- mereditor
  
  Thank YOU, Ani! I love hearing what women in other countries think of this tradition. And I adore that your children will have both your and your husband’s family names. Thanks for writing. So glad you liked this post.
- Guest
  
  That’s awesome! I’m realizing that women keeping their last names is very common in other parts of the world. So you and your husband hyphenated your children’s last names? How did you decide which name to go first and which second? That’s something that I wonder about. My last name is Landin. His is Liu. He suggested combining the names into one…I’m not sure about that one…haha!
  - mereditor
    
    Liundin! I love it! Landin-Liu is also quite nice.
acg1983

Love this article! I had this debate with a guy a few years ago who flat out said he wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t take his name. When I asked him why that was such a deal breaker his response was “because she is joining my family.” So apparently, through marriage, only SHE was joining another family. Here I thought both parties became part of the other’s family of origin. Silly me.
- mereditor
  
  Seriously! Husbands become part of their wives’ families as wives become part of husbands’. What a lame excuse to justify his backwardness. So glad you liked this post!
jd200600

I just found this article…late to the game! I am in a similar spot with my girlfriend of 2 years. We have started to talk about marriage and she wants to keep her last name. I am ok with it because she tends to go against traditional ways, which is why she wants to keep her maiden name. My family on the other hand is telling me to run. I am all for going against traditional ways, so I brought up that I did not want a wedding and had no intentions of wearing a wedding band. (I can wear rings, watches or anything around my neck…it all just bothers me). She of course, blew up with this and said that is not the way that marriage goes. Me not wearing a wedding band, and I do not care if she wears one either, is against policy but her not taken my last name is ok. Am I out of line?
- mereditor
  
  Ug, sorry your family is giving you a hard time about a decision that belongs to your girlfriend. I don’t see how her wanting to keep her last name means you should run anywhere! I also don’t think you’re out of line if your reason for not wanting to wear a wedding ring is because you hate how jewelry feels. I understand why your girlfriend would be disappointed that you don’t want to wear one; I’d be bummed if my husband didn’t want to wear one because I love wearing mine and thinking of the day we exchanged vows whenever I look down at it. But just as a woman doesn’t have to change her last name to be married and be a good wife, a man doesn’t have to wear a wedding band to be married and be a good husband. And just as it’s a woman’s choice as to what last name she has, it’s a man’s choice as to what he wears. If, however, the reason a guy didn’t want to wear a wedding band was because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s married, then yeah, that’s a problem. I think your girlfriend will see that the wedding band thing isn’t a deal breaker, but you may find you like wearing a wedding band–my husband never wore rings before (thought they got in the way), but now he likes his.
  - jd200600
    
    Thanks for the reply! I can say, with 100% certainty, that I will never enjoy wearing a ring. Now how can I convince her that the wedding ceremony is traditional and that I really want to skip that too…I just don;t think any of it really matters.
    - mereditor
      
      I don’t have any language to use to convince someone to skip a wedding ceremony–I loved my wedding ceremony and thought it was more significant than any other part of the wedding events–but as with anything else you don’t agree on with your significant other, you have a conversation on why it’s important to you, in this case, to skip the ceremony, and she offers her piece as to why it’s important to her to have the ceremony. And then you find a way to compromise: Is it important to her that her mother sees her get married? Maybe you can do a small, quick ceremony with just immediate family. Is it important to you that you keep religion out of it? Maybe you have a friend or a justice of the peace do the honors.
      - jd200600
        
        Hi. The ceremony for her is a deal breaker. I am fully expecting to have to give in on both the ring and ceremony but I guess we will see. I guess I feel like I am doing all of the compromising…
      - mereditor
        
        Neither party should feel like s/he’s doing all the compromising. But she probably wants a certain kind of ceremony and you want no ceremony. You’d both be compromising if you choose something short and simple.
      - jd200600
        
        Thanks for the reply. We have decided to take a step back and re-evaluate the whole thing.
- equinoxa
  
  I wonder if you need to slow down? If she strongly disagrees with you on these issues and you will either have to respect her feelings (not just deal), or question how good of partners you will be. You may have very different ideas about what marriage is. This isn’t too uncommon, but it’s sad how many people have trouble because of this.
  
  Maybe your family picks something up about her. If they are simply unhappy with her name issue, that seems really sad. But remember, you may be together until the end. She and your family should get along.
  
  I don’t know if it is your girlfriend’s situation, but as a female who has known a lot of females (relate more to men…), a lot of them seem in love with marriage. Being Mrs., having the ring, the dress. Some have a whole huge dream, and this can include a pretty tall order about the happily ever after. If you find yourself with someone like that, you will have to be in love with or accepting of that part of her, too.
  
  After 12 years with someone, not feeling a real need for marriage, we’re thinking it might be practical. I have never wanted to change my name, nor hyphenate. It’s too darned long already and there is no reason. If we were having kids, maybe. But we’re not, it’s pretty certain at this point. If I don’t take His name, his family will joke about it endlessly, but I’m sure they won’t look down on me too much if at all. I like wedding dresses, but don’t want the usual wedding. I don’t care for wedding rings. I would probably lose or destroy mine! I’m looking pretty unconventional here! But I like seeing strong relationships and marriages, really want to see people find them, too. I’ve seen too many couple pull in different directions and I hate saying that they shouldn’t be together for them. But everything needs to feel like it can be worked out–before you are married is obviously best. If these little issues are that important that someone blows up, they may be more important than the relationship. I hurt saying this, but who is in love with what? The good things, the dreams? Despite all I’ve said, I truly hope you can talk with your lady and work things out. If you’ve come this far, it might be worth fighting for, but don’t work too much. If you do, then slow down or move on. Take care!
  - jd200600
    
    Thanks for the reply! I think we have decided to take a step back. The wedding is crucial and a deal breaker for her and there are some other things to work out.
    - equinoxa
      
      No matter what it will be, wishing you both the very best and happiness!
    - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=637890029 Keith James
      
      Another late male perspective here: A lot of women I know would be VERY uncomfortable having their husbands out in the world without their wedding ring.
      
      Why?
      
      Because it shows the world of women (and some men) that they’re spoken for, they’re married, don’t cross that line. Even if you were never going to get weak and have an affair, the ring is a symbol of your love that helps guarantee that. And a lot of women like having a little symbol of their love on their man 24/7. And I don’t blame them one bit.
      
      Ask yourself, why do so many cheating men take off their ring when they go “hunting”?
      - Jackie
        
        I agree. You can get married and not go “traditional” by her keeping her last name, but a ring is symbolic. Taking her husband’s last name is not, it’s traditional. A ring shows unity between two people, it expresses that unity to the world. My boyfriend and I have talked about what I would do when we get married. He knows I’m very feministic, so I will most likely keep my last name. But he wants us to have a ring together, preferably one that matches so we can be united for the world to see.
      - http://chaoticallyyours.blogspot.com/ Chaotically Yours
        
        Mm. But, as you say….all they have to do is take the ring off. So, really, if someone is going to cheat, a wedding ring isn’t going to keep them from doing so.
        
        And you’re spoken for whether or not you wear the ring, so I really don’t understand the whole “I want other people to know you’re married!” You know you’re married. If that’s not enough…then that’s where the problem lies.
        
        Neither my husband or I wear a wedding ring. I have a ring we used at the county clerk’s office but it looks like most of the other rings I often wear and he’s allergic to metal.
        
        Granted, at the end of day, it’s whatever you’re comfortable with. But the idea that a ring keeps someone from cheating/reminds them not to cheat is spurious, at best.
      - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1294119081 Fannelle FromNewyork
        
        One day, after the cleaning lady came in, my husband’s wedding ring was lost and we never found it. My husband kept saying that he wanted to replace it immediately. Frankly, I did not care. I told him to take his time. A wedding ring never made a man act married. If it did, so many men would stay faithful. I laugh at people who think a wedding ring keeps the women away. I work in a male dominated career and after I got married, the men told me that married men get “hit on” MORE often than single men. Go figure!
Zeplin87

Okay regarding this Big Mike guy, I pretty much agree with everything he says. I don’t like how he’s being a jerk about it though. I also have a male perspective on this. I am not a married man yet myself, but as a guy I can imagine how upsetting it would be for my future wife to tell me that she’s not taking my name. I would only feel half-married. I mean everyone of course can do what they want. Do whatever makes you happy, as long as both people are happy with whatever decision you make. But in my case, I can’t sit here and pretend I would be okay with my wife not taking my name. All I am saying is that it would be a big disappointment.
- mereditor
  
  Thanks for sharing your opinion respectfully.
- http://www.facebook.com/sunny.rabit.7 Binny Cat
  
  Then why don’t you take her last name! problem solved!
- http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=637890029 Keith James
  
  A big disappointment? There are a lot of much larger issues that would be a big disappointment to me. Here’s a list that might help put it in perspective:
  
  1. Kids/no kids – you know, she gets to help decide this too.
  
  2. Extra-marital affairs
  
  3. Child upbringing styles (strict or permissive? You better talk about it)
  
  4. Financial affairs (does she get to spend all your money?)
  
  5. Daily domestic duties (is that all up to her or do you share?)
  
  6. Work Schedules (is she ever available?)
  
  And the list could go on and on. All of these are reasons people get divorced. I don’t think the name thing is a deal-breaker for many guys.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1274684753 Cristina Gómez Ballesteros

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http://www.facebook.com/sunny.rabit.7 Binny Cat

A man should take a woman’s last name and women should start encouraging men to change theirs…I guess it works the same way then..a man can never love a woman more because he won’t! I think all children should be under the mothers last name after all the divorce rates are high and children tend to stay with them mom’s!
http://www.facebook.com/sunny.rabit.7 Binny Cat

I will not change my last name and my children will have my last name as it is better sounding!
http://www.facebook.com/kirsta.reisinger Kirsta Reisinger

I was told that we were being written out of the family will because of our non-traditional last name choice.
- mereditor
  
  Wow. That seems like a totally reasonable reaction.
  - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=637890029 Keith James
    
    LOL, love your snark!
http://siberiancentral.blogspot.com/ Amanda

I just came across this post trolling for ways to tactfully tell people that I will not be changing my name, because at this point most of mine include some choice words and an inappropriate gesture. (Ideas, anyone?) My fiance finally understood why I did not want to change my name after I told him that I would hyphenate if he did, too. The look on his face was priceless – utter shock and revulsion. When I told him that how I felt about changing my name was the same way he was feeling right then, he agreed to come to terms with it, which he has over the last few years. But now his family is making our lives difficult. When I posted online about a wedding invitation we had received addressed to Mr. & Mrs. X (when we’re not even married yet!) and said that my personal hell was beginning, one of his relatives took the opportunity to tell me that she hoped I was kidding and that I should be happy to be connected to my man in any way, shape, or form. When she was informed that I was, in fact, quite serious, she then told me it was a “bummer.” She doesn’t believe that we can be “partners in life” if our names don’t match. Even my own mother has assumed that I don’t want to change my name because of my academic degrees, no matter how many times I inform her otherwise. My name is my identity, and that identity is incredibly important to me. My name has already been changed once due to adoption, and my surname is my last tether to the family that raised me. It is frustrating and unfortunate that in this “enlightened” day and age, we women are still being forced into following traditional rules or facing constant questioning and disparagement.
- mereditor
  
  That’s so frustrating. I wish more people understood that it’s our choice and it has NO affect on their day-to-day, yet it would change our daily lives. It’s as though they all like the color red, and we prefer to wear purple. They don’t have to like purple, but they wouldn’t dare question our clothing choice, so why bother us about our name choice? I hope they keep their mouths shut from now on!
http://profile.yahoo.com/HKF56RNEW3OW4MADOGKY7B2IM4 yahoo-HKF56RNEW3OW4MADOGKY7B2IM4

The problem with this issue in North America is that the legality of changing one’s name after marriage varies widely from jurisdiction. There was a recent story of a Florida couple where the husband elected to have his name changed to his wife’s last name after marriage only to find out months later that he had been charged with fraud for his progressive choice. I would like to see a push to fully legalize the choice for both the husband or wife may elect to change their last name.

I feel sympathetic to women who have to deal with scorn for their choice to keep their last name, but believe it or not there is a jurisdiction in Canada where it is actually illegal for a married woman to officially change her last name to her husband’s after marriage. This is in Quebec were I met my wife who would love to share the same last name as mine, but the law will not permit it.

I would consider changing my last name (if it were legal, but apparently isn’t in many jurisdictions anyways, yet) if not for the fact that my last name is particularly fitting. My last name is Donaldson, and my father’s first name happens to be Donald, so my name accurately describes my relation to my Dad, so it would seem disrespectful to forgo my last name when it suits me so well. Basically I feel it makes sense for whichever couple has less sentimental attachment to their last name to consider changing it to their spouse’s last name.
- mereditor
  
  Yes, several Canadian readers wrote in to explain that women CAN’T change their names to their husbands’ in their areas. I totally agree–whoever wants to change his/her name should be allowed!
http://twitter.com/Kel_Moran Kelly Moran

My co-worker told me that women changing their name was “the law of the land.” The whole bunch of my lunch buddies are shocked I’m keeping my name. I told them today that my finace really didn’t care, and that if he did we’d have a conversation about it, and they all looked at each other knowingly. I’m not sure what it is they think they all now, but they don’t know my finace.
Jackie Landin

My boyfriend is Taiwanese and I’m…well, I’m a melting pot of everything. Our relationship is moving forward and we have discussed whether or not I would take his last name. I remember starting out with “I don’t want to take your last name. I want to keep my name.” I feel that women who take their husband’s last names is sort of demeaning.. especially when they are announced at a wedding reception as Mr. and Mrs. Husband’s Last Name. That just repulses me so much putting the husband first and introducing the woman as the husband’s wife, not the other way around. And then my boyfriend came back by saying “Good, cause I don’t want you to have my last name.” That shocked me. It honestly did. And now that he doesn’t want to share his last name with me has me doubting whether or not I want to keep my last name. 1, 2, and 3 of your article are my main concerns. But you pretty much helped me understand them better. If I choose to keep my last name, I wouldn’t have to change my email address, my login names for various websites, medical/financial papers, it just seems so much easier to keep my own last name. But at the same time I want to share something in common with him. I guess that common share would be our kids if/when we have them, right?
- mereditor
  
  Not only will you have kids in common if you have them, but you’ll share a home, hopes and dreams, memories…much more than one name can offer.
  - Jackie Landin
    
    Thank you so much for your input! We still have some ways to go before he pops the question and we tie the knot, but we are definitely talking about our future. Heck, he’s asked me to move to another state with him! So I guess I shouldn’t be so taken aback by him not wanting me to take his last name.
mike

Hello everyone. I recently proposed to my girlfriend and we had talked about name changing before, but I just came across this blog and thought I’d see what some of you might say about children’s last names. My fiancee doesn’t want to change her last name and I understand why. I don’t want to change mine, why would she want to change hers? But practically what might some of you plan to do if you have kids? I’m simply looking for ideas. Do you plan to hyphenate the kid’s names? Just go with the fathers last name or just the mothers last name? Or make up some new last name? What have some of you already done or plan to do? Thanks.
- http://twitter.com/KDenton101 Kathryn Denton
  
  I had a friend in college whose parents kept their names and then used their last names as middle and last for their kids. The boys had the mother’s last name for middle and then shared a last name with their father, the girls had the father’s last name as a middle and then shared the mother’s last name.
  
  So if the parents are John Doe and Jane Dear the daughter would be Mary Doe Dear and her brother would be Mike Dear Doe. It was a little confusing but it made sure that both family names were tied to each kid.
- http://www.facebook.com/mead0wlark Sarah Gross
  
  A friend of mine kept her maiden name, but her daughter used the father’s name simply because it sounded better with her name. I think the child typically takes the husbands last name, but I like name way they approached it….because the father’s name definitely has a better ring to it.
  
  I’m getting married in August and plan to keep my name, even if it is Gross. Not sure about our kids (if we have them) because both of our names warrant plenty of teasing from classmates.
http://www.facebook.com/kit.ko.777 Kit Ko

I don’t really want to change my name either… Except that it’s not my maiden name, it’s my ex husband’s. I have a child with that last name. All of my degrees are in that name. I’ve done a lot of work building a reputation for myself with that name in a highly word of mouth profession. And it just has a nicer ring to it than fiance’s last name.

My fiance doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to get rid of my previous married name, and seems a little hurt by it.

Am I crazy?
- mereditor
  
  Of course you’re not crazy! Even if it’s not the name you were born with, it’s your name (and your child’s). I think it’s important to acknowledge your fiance’s feelings–is he hurt because you won’t take his name or because you’re keeping an ex’s?–and once you know the why, you can do things to address his concerns and remind him how many others ways you’ll be connected once you’re married (and before!).
http://bellerenee.wordpress.com/ Renee

Just wanted to stop in and say thank you for your thoughts on this topic on my own blog! I love this conversation and am so happy to see so many women grappling with this issue. Careful consideration is all I can hope for.
- mereditor
  
  I’m only sorry it took that long for me to see it! Yes, putting thought into the decision and making it because it’s what YOU want to do is a win for all.
ggirl@sympatico.ca

Typical feminist claptrap. Good luck on your pending divorce.

While were at it, let’s get rid of the tradition of having a wedding ($30k saved), purchasing an engagement ring ($10k saved), a fancy wedding dress ($5k saved)…..
For that matter……….why are we even following this stodgy tradition of getting married? To the incinerator with that as well.
Living together also seems a little to ’20th century’ too. That is SOOOOO 1999.
It really is appalling that in 2013 people are still following the above archaic traditions.
- meredith
  
  If you believe a marriage’s strength is determined by one partner’s last name choice, then I don’t think I’m the one who needs luck.
- http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=637890029 Keith James
  
  I agree with you, partially. It’s not feminist, it’s independent thinking and (thankfully) progressive.
  
  As to saving on the wedding and dress and the ring? I agree wholeheartedly, the money that is wasted on a 1-day party in this country is shameful. You can still have a ceremony, a dress and a ring for under $3000 easily. Many people do it in other countries, but it seems that in the U.S. it’s all about “How Large Can I Make It?” and a total competitive show-off.
  
  Imagine what that money could do for your future together instead? The downpayment on a house, your future kids’ education, a fund for any vacations or remodeling or just in case there’s a job loss. It’s foolish to spend like that on one day and I’ll never understand it as long as I live. Big weddings are a foolish waste of money and the “wedding industry” is loving every minute of it and promoting them as a “must have”.
  
  I find it very odd.
Debbie Liu

do not worry, changing last name are only English world tradition. My last name was often mistakenly “corrected” to my son’s name, I once joked that: we have tradition of kids taking their father’s last name, women add one character to the last name. lol The tradition is changing also with one child policy (yes, China), since both being the only child of their family, some couples would fight their only kid’s last name
None

Women like you will be the downfall of this society….
- mereditor
  
  Just as societies in which women traditionally don’t take their husbands’ last names have fallen? Good one!
http://twitter.com/KVClowerT Kat Clower-Turner

If a man cannot be a good provider for myself..I will not take his last name. I am sick and tired of the lazy men in American using women to their advantage…whether its for sex or financial gain.