6 Things Not to Say to Married Women Who Kept Their Name

Unlike most married ladies, especially the ones where I come from (Staten Island, NY), I didn’t change my last name when I married Paul. And just as being childhood sweethearts and an interfaith couple has caused confusion among traditionalists–and even forward-thinking folks who don’t realize their comments and questions can offend–so has this. Learn from those people’s mistakes and never utter these to women still proudly sporting their maiden names.

But then you won’t be connected to your children.
Anything that lives inside me for nine months, whether or not we share a last name, is pretty damn connected to me for life. This also presumes that my children will have only Paul’s last name, which might not even be the case.

Then you won’t be a united family.
Paul and I have this crazy plan to live in the same home as each other and our kids. We’ll eat dinner together, go on vacation together, and help each other when we need it. I have plenty of friends who share a name with their fathers–men they resent for leaving their families. I have a feeling we’ll be more united than they are.

That’ll be confusing for your kids.
Mommies and daddies have lots of differences. Paul grows hair on his face; I do not (usually). I have boobs (sort of); Paul does not (not yet at least). Paul’s name is Paul, and my name is Meredith. So I think our children will be able to process that Paul’s and my last names differ too.

That’s disrespectful to your husband.
So is it disrespectful that he’s not taking my last name? Why isn’t it disrespectful to my father if I change it? This logic is poop.

A girlfriend who wouldn’t take my last name would be a deal-breaker for me.
A friend of a friend said this to me, and I thought, “A boyfriend who was a total chauvinist like you are would be a deal-breaker for me.” Besides, when you’re truly, completely in love with someone, her name shouldn’t be the reason you don’t propose marriage.

Oh, you’re such a career woman.
Sad, but true, this was also said to me. I’m as much a career woman as Paul is a career man, except nobody would ever call him a career man for having a job he enjoys. And while my byline, the name that’s associated with every article I’ve ever written for magazines and websites, is partly why I kept the name Meredith Bodgas, it’s not even a big part. The fact is at last count, there were fewer than a dozen people with the last name Bodgas on this planet (maybe there are more on Mars). And because so many of the people with that last name were slaughtered in the Holocaust, I’m hoping to help this name survive as long as I can, which is ironic because I have a notebook from 7th grade filled with scrawls of my first name with Paul’s last name. Then again, that was before I became “a career woman.”

What’s the most obnoxious remark you’ve heard someone make about a married woman who didn’t change her last name? Do you think a lady’s a little weird if she isn’t dying to assume half of her husband’s identity?

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http://twitter.com/alyssaloring Alyssa Loring

Totally support your reasons for keeping your name! It’s YOUR name, after all. My sister recently announced she’s not changing her name and caused quite the uproar.

http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

Thanks, Alyssa! Yes, exactly–people have as much right to weigh in on what I’m called as they to do pick my clothes and meals. I hope the folks who balked at your sis’s decision realize it’s SO none of their business.

Alix Honore

Totally agree! It shouldn’t be such a big deal if you don’t want to change it.

mereditor

Seriously.

http://twitter.com/santafetraveler TheSantaFeTraveler

I kept my own name when I got married 38 years ago. At that time, not many people did. It was uncharted waters. I was a pioneer. We had a none- he had a hyphenated name. It was a bit of a hassle for him, and if I was to do this part again, I might do it differently. And like you, we also come from different religious backgrounds. All these years later, I’m glad I kept my name and would do it again.

mereditor

Glad to hear you’re happy with your decision!

http://profile.yahoo.com/ZSX3AOIDUSZUGTLZDXRTNOIQSA Youyu.

I would change the name because it just sounds weird.

http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

I like my weird last name because it’s MY last name.

farla zooie

it’s such a weird last name….like body gas…if i were you, i’d change it!

http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

Yes, I got that when I was about 8 years old, but I think I’ll keep it

Marty46

My husband and I have been married for 42 years – and as
he says, “most of them happy!” To my
father-in-law’s dying day and my mother-in-law even to this day – they wondered
if we were legally married because all those years ago, I did the unthinkable
– kept my maiden name. My husband is a
strong, secure man who wasn’t worried that I loved him less. He simply realized it was important to me to
remain “me.” And I love him
even more for understanding that! During
our entire relationship, he has been and is still my rock…I love him dearly!

http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

Love this story! Thanks for sharing, Marty!

JustInTime205

All of these
people claiming that you must retain your maiden name to prevent the trouble of
divorce, IF it were to happen, are setting themselves up for failure. The
divorce rate in this country is sky rocketing, and it’s “forward
thinking” like this that is partly to blame. I believe that it is an honor
for a woman to take the man’s name, it’s not giving up yourself, your maiden
name is still in existence, you still put it on applications, your children
still use it for student loan applications, among other things. This article is
stupid because there is no right answer. My opinion is that a family should
share the same last name, Mr. and Mrs. Smith is much better than Mr. John
Smith, and Mrs. Jane White-Smith. Do what you want, but stop coming up with
idiotic explanations for your own justification, you should love your husband
enough to give him the honor of taking his name and creating a family under
neath it. It’s always been that way and it doesn’t make a woman any less of a
woman. If you feel that way, than maybe you are with the wrong man.

http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

Why is it less of an honor to keep a name that people died for having?

JustInTime205

Who said it was less of an honor to keep a name that people died for having? Do you read comments before you reply? I said that it’s always been that way and it doesn’t make a woman any less of a woman by taking the last name of your husband. Your reply was completely unrelated to anything I had to say. Been a long time reader but your high and mighty attitude just lost you another reader.

http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

You said: “I believe that it is an honor for a woman to take the man’s name.”

I should’ve responded: “Is it less of an honor to keep a name that people died for having?” instead of assuming that you do think it’s less of an honor.

Thanks for being a long-time reader, but you called my reasons for keeping my name idiotic, made an assumption that I don’t love my husband enough because I didn’t take his last name–and then said I’m high and mighty.

I agree with you that a woman isn’t less of a woman if she changes her last name. But a mother isn’t less of a mother if she doesn’t share her name with her children. A man isn’t less of a man if he changes his name to his wife’s. And just because something has been a certain way for a while doesn’t mean someone doesn’t have the right to change it as it pertains to herself, as my name does.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9507644 Sara Bittner

I’m a new reader, and I am happy to replace JustInTime. I’ve been engaged for a few months and have been going back and forth as to whether to keep my name as is, or to hyphenate to include the husband elect’s last name. We had our son unplanned (he’s turning 3 this May), and I’ve had a different last name from him the whole time, and I am not less of a mother for it. In fact, the reason I’m thinking about not changing anything is because having a different last name has been SUCH a nonevent in the past 3 years, which included an international move, residency permit, and buying a home. And it NEVER MATTERED that my name was different.
http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

Aw, happy to have you Sara! I’m so glad to hear that it hasn’t mattered that your last name is different from your (extremely adorable) son’s! Congrats on your engagement!

http://profile.yahoo.com/V4YNRCFRKTUS34DJ2Q4UCWUVO4 Trisha

If keeping your maiden name is “the unthinkable” then I have really set the bar of keeping my first husbands last name when I remarried. Yes, it was to give my children a connection to a parent, and my current husband still proposed after I offered that we both change our last names with a hyphen to include both of our last names; his and my maiden.
Amanda Marron

It’s pretty crazy how upset people get about it–and the subject of name-changing in general when it comes to marriage. I changed mine, partially because I like my husband’s last name, partially because my maiden name (and my first name as well) are both very common and I was tired of getting confused with other women named “Amanda Jackson,” and partially because it was just what I wanted to do. Strangely enough, I’ve had more comments and shocked questions about why I chose to change it than I would have expected, but it really makes me wonder why people take so much of an interest in it, and why they think it really matters whether I do or don’t to anyone outside of our family. My parents are fine with it, my grandparents are fine with it…does anyone else’s opinion even matter, if they’ve okayed it? At work they looked startled when I brought in a copy of my marriage license and driver’s license to have it changed, too, which made me feel like no one must be changing their name anymore.

Good for you for keeping your name because that’s what you want to do. I have a Jewish friend who kept her name when she married because she’s the last of her family with that name and wanted to pass it on to her son, especially since her husband was not born Jewish and converted later, so that there would still be a Jewish name in the family. Their son has a hyphenated last name, and it works fine.
Whitney Hill

Here’s one I got from a male colleague when I said I’d be keeping my name after I get married: “You ought to change your name to prove you’re fully committed to him and to the marriage.” His personal history with women aside, why shouldn’t my future husband change his name to prove he’s committed to me? Or why shouldn’t we swap names in that case? I wouldn’t marry a man I wasn’t committed to, I like my name and I’m keeping it – and anyway, how is it fair that only half of the couple has to go through the hassle of changing the name?

http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

Infuriating! I never understand that–doesn’t the fact that I married him show that I’m committed to him?! And I agree–why is it only the woman’s place to “show she’s committed” by changing her name?

grazalema

No need to explain your decision – who asks the man why he’s keeping his name and not ‘honouring’ or ‘respecting’ his wife by taking hers. It really is appalling in 2012 that this is even an issue.

To the person who asked me what was the point of getting married if I wasn’t changing my name my response was “I had no idea that marriage was founded on a shared name – I thought it was founded on a shared set of values, love and mutual respect for one another”.

I remain mad at the registrar who, despite being told I was keeping my name, still introduced us as Mr & Mrs X after our ceremony. It was the one low point of our day.

I totally agree with everything Meredith has said but look forward to the day when it is just an accepted choice.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1274684753 Cristina Gómez Ballesteros

I find this so strange! Here in Spain, we have two names: the father’s name and the mother’s name. We all keep our names when we get married and then our kids have both names. I don’t understand why someone would feel that not taking your husband’s name is disrespectful or bad to your kids!

http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

I like how they do it in Spain, Cristina! Thanks for weighing in.

Alexis_H

ANOTHER list of things not to say to you? Wouldn’t it be easier to just make a list of the things that don’t elicit offense and self-righteous indignation from you? That would probably be a very short list.
BigMike1285

I feel really bad for your husband. Most women are honored to take their new husband’s last name, as they should be. Since you didn’t take his name, you should give back your engagement ring. Either that, or you should have gotten him something of equal value. He gets you a ring, gets down on one knee and throws himself out there, asking him to marry you. And what does he get in return? Nothing. He gets you the ring, you take his name. It’s not that complicated. I’m sorry, but women should not be allowed to have EVERYTHING. It’s immature, embarrassing, disrespectful, and a disgrace to not take the husband’s last name. It shows that being “independent” is more important than being a single married unit. Any man who isn’t spineless would agree with me on this.

http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

He got a 42″ flat-screen LCD TV (which cost the same as my ring back then) as an engagement gift from me. But even if he hadn’t, marriage isn’t about exchanging a ring for a name. It’s about making a promise to love each other and face life’s challenges and triumphs together. You can do this without an engagement ring and a big-screen TV. That was just the path we went in to celebrate.

BigMike1285

Well at least you got him something I can respect that. But it’s still disrespectful, even in this day and age. Men are told to treat women with the utmost respect, even with more respect than our fellow men. Well, women need to return the favor. Not taking the name pretty much denies that man’s family.

mereditor

But that’s one of the points I make: If it’s disrespectful to my husband’s family if I don’t take their last name, why isn’t it disrespectful to mine if I do take his name? Isn’t my husband denying my family by not taking my last name? And to say “because that’s how it’s always been done” is a dangerous rationale. Cheating on my husband would be disrespecting him. Keeping a last name that nearly died in the Holocaust is not disrespecting him or his family; it’s honoring my family.

BigMike1285

Because you are a woman and he is a man! Jesus it’s not that complicated. Ever since I was a little boy, I have dreamed of having a Mrs. (my last name). I would be devastated if that wasn’t the case. I would only feel half-married. He’s not expected to take your name, because he’s a man. THAT’S HOW IT IS. Don’t you get sick of people calling your Mrs. (husbands name) and having to correct them? You might as well get it changed.
http://twitter.com/mereditor Meredith Bodgas

And there’s that dangerous argument: “THAT’S HOW IT IS.” It was used as a reason why women shouldn’t be able to vote; why blacks shouldn’t be able to own property and more ideas that are now ridiculous. You can have your dream of marrying a woman who takes your last name, and I hope the person you fall in love with (or have already fallen in love with) has dreamed of taking her husband’s name. But don’t feel sorry for my husband because he doesn’t share your dream; he doesn’t feel sorry for you that THAT’s your dream. The point is that women should be allowed to choose what works best for them, regardless of what you, BigMike, think is best for them. I think I’ve been called Mrs. My Husband’s Name twice in the four years we were married. People mispronounce my last name all the time, and this is the same thing. I’m not going to change my name because of that. If you, as a man, treat women with the utmost respect, then you’d respect women’s choice to do what they want with their names because they’re THEIR names. And if you can’t respect a woman’s right to make that choice, you absolutely don’t have the utmost respect for women.
BigMike1285

Well here’s the thing: a woman not taking the guy’s name to me means she is screaming at the top of her lungs: “I’m independent and I can do whatever I want!” From a guy’s perspective, there is nothing more annoying than that. It’s a major turn-off. I actually admire independent women. I admire those ones with great minds, great skills, and that can get by without the help of anyone. However, I cannot stand the ones who have to proclaim it constantly. Ever see a man do that? No. I will not have respect a woman who robs a man of his birth right. That’s right I said birth right. There are certain things men and women are entitled to. Women are surely entitled to much more this day and age, which makes me sick. Do NOT take that away from us. Our birth right as someone born a male is to carry on your FATHER’S last name for the rest of your life, and give that to your children and wife, as one family unit. I mean, really, I know the woman wears the pants in most relationships, why can’t you just let us have this one? Too much to ask?

And another thing, I do not associate my wife taking my last name as “owning” her at all. I am not put on this earth to own anyone. Look at any typical relationship, do you really think the man is owning? If she isn’t happy, nobody’s happy. So I don’t know how anyone could possibly think men can own their wives/girlfriends.
mereditor

This says it all: “Women are surely entitled to much more this day and age, which makes me sick.” Take a cough drop.
BigMike1285

What….you think they aren’t?
mereditor

You said it makes you sick that women are entitled to much more these days. Women should always be entitled to as much as men. It shouldn’t make you sick that the gap is closing between what men and women are entitled to.
BigMike1285

No, that’s not what I said. I said that women are entitled to more than what men are entitled to these days.