Would You Tell Your Straight Friend You Suspect Her Fiance Is Gay?

Be Sociable, Share!

ABC (as in the TV network, not the Jackson 5 song) seems to be on a gays-marrying-straights kick the past couple of weeks: Two of their primetime shows, Desperate Housewives and Modern Family, each featured a woman marrying a man that others believed to be gay. And it reminded me of a couple I know.

A guy we’ll call Tony was a friend of mine during high school. He came from a religious Catholic family and even attended Catholic school from preschool through college (obvs we never went to the same school; we met through a mutual friend). Tony had the occasional girlfriend, including another high school friend who, oddly enough, wound up dating a couple of gay guys just before they came out. The whole time we were friends with Tony, Paul and I suspected he preferred guys to girls, and had his family been more open-minded, he would live his life as a gay man. (Sadly, I imagine this happens to a lot of Catholic boys from Staten Island–one classmate of mine was sent to pray-the-gay-away camp.)

My openly gay friend assessed Tony with his finely tuned gaydar and agreed: This guy was most certainly a homosexual. But my pal said Tony wasn’t ready to come out, and it wasn’t my job to out him. So of course I never said a word to anyone but Paul (and now to all of you).

In college, Tony because serious with a girl he described as “amazing” and “beautiful.” She was fairly frumpy in photos. I never met her, so I can’t say whether or not she was amazing–she very well could have been. Paul and I lost touch with Tony shortly after, but we later learned (thanks, Facebook!) he married that girl…and they have kids together.

It’s entirely possible that Paul and I got Tony wrong. It’s feasible that my gay friend did, too. But I imagine that at least one of Tony’s wife’s friends believed he was gay, and I wonder if she tried to warn Tony’s girlfriend.

If I were in their shoes, I’d keep my mouth shut if my buddy was happy. But if I had irrefutable evidence that the marriage would be a sham (like I walked in on him with another guy), I’d tell her, even if it made her unhappy in the immediate future. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if, 20 years and two kids later, she found out he was having an affair with some dude.

But if you just have an inkling that someone likes members of the same sex? Sharing that with the person who’s marrying that guy is a sure way to ruin your relationship.

What would you do: Would you say something if you suspected your friend’s boyfriend was gay? What if everyone you know thought so, too? Or would you stay mum in fear of ending your friendship?

More About Marriage
3 Ways to Answer 3 Common Questions for Newlyweds
Why Get Married?
Is Open Marriage Still Marriage?

Like Merital Bliss?
Become a fan on Facebook!
Follow Meredith on Twitter
Subscribe to Merital Bliss’s RSS feed
Get posts delivered straight to your inbox!
Like Meredith’s author page on Huffington Post

Photo by Gay-Friendly Resort Thailand

Be Sociable, Share!
  • Jules

    Keep your mouth shut unless someone’s cheating. (Sticky situation in and of itself.) It’d be incredibly insulting to their partner – it’s basically telling them that you think the partner isn’t ACTUALLY interested in them.

    I’d also like to point out that it’s possible someone is bi.

    • SD888

      Terrible advice. If he’s ‘bi,’ there’s a good chance he could accidentally bring home a potentially fatal STD to his wife waiting at home while he is out cavorting with the often anonymous sex gay men engage in.

  • Nancy Drew

    Say nothing. She’ll figure it out sooner or later. She may already know and consented to the arrangement for a variety of reasons. She may be a lesbian or just doesn’t want to have normal relations.

    • SD888

      Terrible advice. Say nothing and let a woman potentially throw her marriageable years away on a man who will never be able to truly love her and truly enjoy physical intimacy with her? You are not a real friend. Real friends don’t play the ostrich and stick their heads in the sand when they see a potential disaster looming in a friend’s life.

  • SD888

    Put yourself in her shoes. Wouldn’t YOU want to know? Many women are blinded by love and then later end up in sexually frustrated marriages—BECAUSE the closeted gay man was able to play along with sex and romance with a woman–long enough to get her ‘trapped’ with marriage and usually a couple of kids. Then, as in any marriage, stress levels elevate and the woman finds herself TOTALLY cut off from sex and affection.

    This happened to a woman I know and she feels trapped–her closeted homosexual husband gives her ZERO sex or even affection–no hand holding, hugging, kissing. In addition, he has started neglecting his hygiene for years now–to repel her away from even asking for anything. He finds his expression through an obsession with gay pornography, while she has gained a great deal of weight and her only comfort is food. Sexless marriages do NOT work, unless both parties have agreed to it from the beginning because they are in a (rare) situation where both partners truly are asexual or beyond the age of wanting sexual relations. In other words…TELL HER if you have ANY inkling and let her investigate it herself! That’s what a real friend would do. Be honest.