9 Things No One Could’ve Prepared Me for While We Were Trying to Get Pregnant

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pregnancy-testAs promised, I now present to you the true tale of our fertility journey. But first, a warning: If you think I share too much in other posts, you will definitely not enjoy this one. So stop reading. Now. Go back to the wedding blogs. So why am I writing this? Until talking about fertility struggles is as taboo as discussing the weather, it’s up to those who feel comfortable sharing the details of their process to provide some comfort to others who are suffering silently. So here’s what surprised me the most about trying:

1. How Going Off the Pill Feels Like Being Pregnant
Around the time I suspected I was ovulating (that word no longer feels like TMI because I’ve now talked about it with so many different people so many times) on our first birth control-free cycle, I suddenly developed a super sense of smell. Having worked at WhatToExpect.com, I knew that was an early symptom of being pregnant. “We did it!” I thought. Breast tenderness, back pain, and major mood swings seemed to confirm my suspicion. Then I got my period and felt like a fool. It turns out that the first time you ovulate after going off hormonal birth control, your nose may be more sensitive. And those other signs? Also a result of your fluctuating hormones post-BC. This info was not readily available from trusted sources, so I made damn sure it would be for the future: http://www.whattoexpect.com/preconception/photo-gallery/7-surprising-symptoms-of-going-off-birth-control

2. How Trying to Get Pregnant Is Not Nearly As Much Fun As It Sounds
When I’d hear about couples for whom it was taking months to get knocked up, I’d think, “Oh, poor you. You have unprotected sex all the time.” But merely fornicating when you feel like it–or even when an ovulation calculator suggests it’s time–isn’t always enough to do the trick, especially when you’re 30, like we were. I started taking my temperature with what’s called a basal body thermometer (which is really just a digital thermometer that’s accurate to one-hundredth of a degree, depending on the brand) every morning at the exact same time. I also started using ovulation prediction kits, aka peeing on sticks most mornings. When my temperature dipped and I got a positive OPK, it was time to hit the sack–whether or not we were in the mood.

3. How Expensive It Is–Even Before the Heavy-Duty Fertility Treatments
The thermometer was only 10 bucks, but the digital ovulation kits? $50 a pop. And if you have long cycles, you could go through two or three at a time. The cheap stick versions which I eventually switched to served me just as well. My doctor also put me on a supplement called Pregnitude (I still cringe at this name), which supposedly bolsters the quality of your eggs. That was about $30 a month. Then there’s the Pre-Seed, the fertility-friendly lube a friend swore was the reason she got pregnant. Another $20 for a few months. Let’s not forget the cost of tampons or pads, which added up for me because I was getting my period every 21 – 24 days! And the extra doctor’s appointments to figure out what the hell was wrong with me weren’t 100% covered by my insurance. Also, digital pregnancy tests are about $15 a pair.

4. How Jealous I’d Be of EVERYONE and EVERYTHING That Could Get Pregnant
I found myself unconsciously giving the stink-eye to each stroller-pushing and belly-boasting woman I encountered in Manhattan. Eventually, I was casting aspersions at animals who strutted around with their babies in tow. Because when you don’t get pregnant as quickly as you want to, you envy those who have what you can’t. You also assume their wish came true merely by hoping it would. Though a few friends who got pregnant while we were trying did hit baby bingo right away, judging by the crow’s feet and gray hairs that made some moms on the street look at least ten years my senior, they had their own share of disappointments first.

5. How Tough It’d Be to Be Around Little Kids
On a particularly difficult, though beautiful, weekend, Paul and I went to Central Park to bask in the sunshine and forget about the trouble we were having starting a family. We were sitting on a bench when a bride, groom, flower girl, and photographer walked up to take some wedding pictures. The little attendant was impossibly adorable as she hammed it up for the camera in her formal white dress. “Do you want to move?” Paul asked me when he caught my gaze fixed on the preschooler. But I was fine because I love weddings. And then, the photographer called the child’s name. In a panic, I looked at Paul for confirmation I misheard; there was no way that cutie pie could bear the not-too-common name I’d want to give a daughter. “I think she said…” and Paul offered a similar-sounding, but more popular alternative. The shutterbug enunciated this time leaving no doubt that this girl’s name was indeed my favorite moniker. I bolted, tears streaming down my face. Not a rational reaction, to be sure, but it was a painful reminder of the thing I wanted so desperately and couldn’t seem to create.

6. How Tough It’d Be to Be Around Parents of Little Kids
I wrote this post about my best friend’s son’s first birthday party around the time I finally realized that getting pregnant wouldn’t be easy for us. What should’ve been a joyous occasion was actually pretty dark for me, so much so that a wise friend read between the lines on that blog and invited me to her online support group for other women struggling with fertility.

7. How Much Support I’d Need
I didn’t want anyone to know we were trying at first. It’s no one’s business! Yet keeping this to myself meant my frustrations had to stay between me and Paul, and that was a lot to unload onto him. His plucky attitude–because everything really does always work out for Paul–wasn’t as soothing as the stories from that online support group from women who tried for months and months, survived miscarriages, underwent fertility treatments, and experienced true pain–and had swollen bellies and smiling babies to show for it. Talking to friends also helped. While some truly were first-time’s-a-charm types, I learned about others who endured the same trials as the virtual friends I had made. I felt awful that they kept this secret and I wasn’t able to support them when they needed it most, but I was lucky that they were showering me with advice I desperately needed.

8. How Many Medical Tests You Undergo Before You Get Medical Intervention
I was one cycle away from going for an HSG, a procedure involving tubes going up your vag and dye being shot into you to see if there are any blockages that would prevent sperm from meeting egg. It’s virtually complication-free, but it’s not my idea of a good time. Before that point, I felt like I was at my doctor’s office once a week, getting blood drawn as often as Staten Island housewives get their nails done. Everything was normal each time, which was somehow more frustrating than something being wrong–at least if something were amiss we could take steps to fix it! But my weight of 145 pounds at 5’4 (at the very edge of the normal BMI range, but I have a small frame, so I should weigh less) was troublesome to my doctor, so she put me on a strict diet. No simple carbs, no processed foods, no joy. I checked out the Harvard Nurse’s Study and incorporated the resulting recommendations–no meat, no lowfat dairy–into my diet as well. Two-and-a-half-months’ later, I was 125 pounds and expecting.

9. How No Matter How Bad You Think You Have It, Someone’s Battle’s Even Tougher
From the day I went off birth control to the day I got my positive pregnancy test, just about seven months had passed–a blip compared to the years-long journey so many other couples endure. Plus, I was beyond fortunate never to have miscarried–or at least never to have noticed (yes, it’s THAT common). On the flip side, I had little sympathy for those who complained about not getting pregnant until their second or third cycle, even though that’s when I was on the brink of my own little breakdown, so I should’ve been more understanding. The point is, you never know just how punishing one’s experience is, so be kind.

So who wants to share their story? And if anyone is in the middle of this journey now and has questions, feel free to ask me. I want to be here for you and show you there is light (and a whole lot of nausea) at the end of this long, dark tunnel. Hope 2014 brings you your baby!

More About Pregnancy
10 Unexpected Responses to My Pregnancy News
The One Thing You Must Do Before You Get Pregnant
The Best Before-a-Baby Advice I Never Got

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UPDATE: I am overwhelmed by all the people who’ve reached out to me, through Facebook comments and private messages, about this post. I’m so glad we’re all talking about this. I also appreciate the feedback I’ve received from those still on their journeys, and I sincerely apologize to anyone who’s offended by this post or thinks sharing my experience in the way I presented it compromises the conversation about infertility. While taking seven months to conceive is normal and not diagnosed as infertility, it’s also just as normal to feel the emotions I shared in this blog–even when others are on much more arduous, costly journeys. Whether or not you think women in my shoes should feel that way doesn’t change the fact that we do. I sought out to validate those emotions, something I couldn’t find elsewhere online. I’m extremely lucky to have found a support group, many of whom truly have been to hell and back, who know how important it is to support every woman on this journey, regardless of how long and how much it takes her to get pregnant. Please remember that everyone’s doctors are different; mine believed we were doing everything correctly and wanted to make sure she wasn’t missing something. The women in my group agreed being proactive was a good strategy, and I trusted my doctor. I’m glad I did. I wish everyone still trying realizes this dream and has the support they need to get them there.

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  • Lauren C.

    I’m so happy for you and Paul! My journey took about 2 years. I went through all of the tests (including that lovely dye injection test, laparoscopy, lots of other fun stuff). The results of two years of stress and heartache are my beautiful 4 year old balls of energy. The uncomfortable questions still continue (as in “do twins run in your family?”). I also found myself resentful of all of the people that were popping out kids left and right. I haven’t made this “facebook official” yet, but after everything I went through, I’m just about to enter my second trimester. This one was a complete shock. I didn’t do any of the crazy things I did the first time like stopping caffeine intake, monitoring my ovulation, practically standing on my head, etc. It just happened this time. Fertility is a taboo topic, and there are many aspects of it that are kept in the dark. It can be heartbreaking and miraculous. I hope that you have a wonderful pregnancy, and thank you for sharing your experience.

    • mereditor

      Thank you so much, Lauren. I’m so glad that you got two bundles of joy after two years of difficulty. Maybe in a few more years, people will understand why the twins question is uncomfortable! But woah, how exciting that you’re pregnant again! Thank you for the good wishes, and same to you for yours!

  • Canary

    Great post, Meredith!!!! <3

  • Celeste Zazzali

    Wow, I can definitely relate to the long, hard, expensive journey. After 21 months of actively trying, 4 IUIs, 2 IVFs, a laparoscopy and still no pregnancy to show for it… Yeah, long dark tunnel about sums it up. So sorry you struggled for so long. In the meantime, I’m going to go give myself my fertility meds for the night (a nightly injection that cost thousands of dollars) even though my reproductive endocrinologist tells me that due to my poor egg quality, this probably won’t work.

  • Lindsey

    Wow you really went through a lot. $50 for an OPK kit is nothing compared to what many people myself included have gone through. I understand that you did not get pregnant as fast as you wanted, but you did get pregnant and on your own and in under one year. Most people are not even referred to an infertility specialist until trying for a year. In my last cycle I Had to do daily injections for 14 days and blood work with ultrasounds every other day. Now that is what gets expensive and very painful. I have endometriosis and PCOS. I have had a laparoscopy in the past for the endometriosis. Now 4 IUIs and thousands upon thousands of dollars later I am pregnant. I’m sorry but you really do not know what it is like to struggle with Infertility

    • Canary

      Just because her experience wasn’t as bad as yours doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t share her struggles. There is a spectrum here like with anything else. Some people get pregnant on the first try, and some never get pregnant despite doing many IVF procedures… and some even have miscarriages after getting pregnant by IVF (like my husband’s ex wife). Even your struggle to get pregnant is not as bad as MANY ladies have. I know not everything resonates with everyone… I for one enjoyed this post because I am not yet trying to conceive but it gives me an idea of what could happen and what I may need to do if it doesn’t happen right away. Maybe for those who are more “seasoned” this article comes across differently, however.

      • Discusser1

        “… I for one enjoyed this post because ***I am not yet trying to conceive***…” You should have started and stopped your response right there. This article is OFFENSIVE to anyone who has had to do anything besides lay on her back in her own bed. Impatience is NOT infertility. This is comparable to someone who can’t afford the new Louis Vuitton bag blogging about the hardships of poverty. A better title for this article would have been “The Truth About Trying To Conceive,” but for this blogger to compare her experience to a “fertility struggle” is flat out POOR JOURNALISM.

        • Canary

          I think you’re all being too hard on her. I still stand by my point that just because she didn’t go through the worst of the worst, she has every right to blog about it. You’re probably just not the right audience for it. Maybe she should have put the disclaimer up front instead of at the end. I do see your point that technically she didn’t go through a “fertility struggle” if it’s defined by not conceiving naturally after 12 months, but she still needed a doctor to tell her to lose weight etc. She just took some initiative to figure out what was going on a bit sooner than some people do. To her, it was a struggle.. and I think it’s mean to say it isn’t legitimate just because others go through worse. Oh well, at least it has people talking about this somewhat taboo topic!

          • Celeste Zazzali

            Of course she has the right to blog about how she feels. I was once in her shoes and thought TTC was hard and frustrating early on. I never imagined how much worse it would get. I wish no one had to go through this pain. It is unbearable and can only be understood by fellow sufferers.

            I think the reaction from ‘our audience’ stems from a complete disregard for the true hardship of infertility yet she is trying to speak as an expert on the topic of fertility. Trust me, if all it took to get knocked up was some education and proactive advice seeking from a doctor… I would be holding my baby in my arms long ago instead of my empty uterus and broken heart.

            Your comment rubs me the wrong way, Canary. Infertility is no one’s fault. There are a lot more people out there dealing with it than you even know.

          • Canary

            Where did I say it was anyone’s fault?? No no no… I don’t believe that at ALL. All I have been trying to say is that for me personally, someone who has yet to TTC, I found this article informative. Like a lot of people in my shoes, I am assuming that soon after I go off the pill, I will get pregnant (and I don’t think I’m unique in this mindset – I am sure most have been there). This blog post gave me a reality check… that it won’t necessarily be that easy. To me, that’s a good thing. I can see how those who have been trying to get pregnant for years could see this article as insulting, though. I don’t think anyone starts out thinking it’ll be hard/impossible to get pregnant. That’s why I can sympathize with the author. I also sympathize with those who have spent tens of thousands and many years trying to get pregnant… it’s very sad. I disagree that she speaks as someone who is an expert on fertility. I think she is just writing her experience with what she has done/felt, that’s all. Maybe she should have used slightly different language since her post seems to be rubbing many people the wrong way.

          • Discusser 2

            She offered herself up for questions and to show others that there is a “light at the end of this long, dark tunnel” (barf) She held herself out as an expert and it was wrong.

          • Infertile – For Real

            The issue many of the comments seem to touch on is that she writes this post as “information on infertility” when it is really just a post about how you may not get pregnant in the first couple of months. That’s fine, it’s her blog, she can write about her experience and maybe it will be helpful for others like yourself, but when she tried to phrase this as her struggle with infertility, that’s absolutely not accurate and disrespectful to those of us who are really dealing with it. As someone else touched on, I wouldn’t write an article about living in poverty, for example, from my 3 bedroom home that I own with a new car parked in the drive way – that’s not authentic, honest, real, or likely to resonate with people actually living in poverty. That’s how this post feels – inauthentic, inaccurate and very “woe is me”.

          • Lindsay D

            You do realize that the author getting pregnant shortly after losing weight was probably coincidental, right? Her weight was in the normal BMI range. I too was at the high end of the normal BMI range when I started infertility treatments and my doctor has never suggested that I lose weight. Now thanks to over a year of taking fertility meds, I am slightly overweight. My doctor still does not think my weight is an issue.

            She continually talked about her “fertility struggles” which implies that she is suffering from a medical issue affecting her fertility, when in fact she has completely normal fertility.

            The author should have either did some research about infertility and wrote about the struggle of an infertile woman third person or wrote a first person article about the emotions of trying to conceive and not implied that she was “struggling with fertility.”

  • Ana P.H.

    While I agree that it is important to be open about infertility to spread awareness, I think your post is counterproductive. It can take 12 months for a healthy couple to conceive, so some of your points are misleading and could cause people to worry about trouble that doesn’t exist. I think it also does a huge disservice to women actually dealing with IF by comparing what they’re going through to buying and using a box of OPKs. Comparisons like that lead people to treat infertility like it’s no big deal.

    I am sorry that your experience wasn’t as quick and easy as everyone hopes it will be, but congratulations on your pregnancy.

  • Melissa

    I’m sorry, but what you experienced was normal. It can take a healthy couple a year to conceive and your doctor should have informed you of that. I appreciate that you have noted in your article that your experience is nothing compared to those of women who actually struggle with fertility but it would be nice if you added a disclaimer to your post stating that the medical testing you went through was because of impatience not infertility.

  • Lindsay D

    I appreciate your attempt to bring to light the issue of infertility because it is such a taboo subject. That being said you did not “struggle with fertility.” It can take a healthy woman under 35 up to a year to conceive. What you went through was completely normal. I am in no way saying that your trying to conceive journey wasn’t frustrating, I remember how frustrating it was being 6 month in to trying to conceive and having no luck. I have empathy for the frustrations of women that don’t get pregnant as quickly as they want. However, it is really deceitful to imply to your readers that you dealt with infertility when in fact you did not.

    You invited others to share their stories, so here is mine…

    My husband and I have been trying to conceive since August of 2011. So far I have been diagnosed with slightly low progesterone levels, hostile cervical mucus, and high NK cells (auto immune issue that affects implantation of the embryo). My husband’s tests have been normal, except one semen analysis did show slightly low morphology. We have done 4 IUIS and are getting ready for IVF #3, what will probably be our final IVF with my eggs since egg quality looks like an issue for us. The closest we’ve come to success was IVF #2, which ended in a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage). We’ve spent our savings, pulled equity out of our house and have borrowed money from family to be able to pay for our treatments (we have no insurance coverage for infertility, so everything is out of pocket for us). We have sacrificed many things we want (a larger house, vacations, etc.) in pursuit of having a baby. Infertility is a terrible gut wrenching journey, that does not always have a happy ending.

    I did not post my story to make this some sort of Pain Olympics, because trust me there are stories more heartbreaking than mine. However, I wanted share my infertility struggles with you and your readers as a contrast to the picture you painted of your “fertility struggles.” Trust me the pain in frustration you felt after seven months of trying on your own is nothing compared to pain of going through expensive and invasive infertility treatments. I’ve experienced both.

    As for your comment about your doctor being “proactive” and ordering tests early, that is ridiculous. Unless you had some symptom (other than not getting pregnant) that warranted testing, there is no need to seek medical assistance before a year of trying on your own. Unnecessary testing drives up the cost of health insurance premiums of everyone. It also takes resources away from women that really need them.

  • Discusser1

    No one is telling you how you should feel or questioning what you experienced, but to advertise your experience as INFERTILITY is clinically INCORRECT. That’s not an OPINION, it’s a MEDICAL FACT. Isn’t the cornerstone of being an educated and reputable writer fact checking? You must be thrilled that people are actually commenting on your blog for a change.

    Some other topics you may want to consider for future articles:

    1 – Living With IBS: The Day I Farted

    2 – My Holocaust: Losing Color Wars At Camp Lakoma

    3 – My Mediocre Career: Exaggerating & Exploiting The Tiny Crap In My Life

  • Discusser1

    I also think real journalism includes REAL criticism – Why are you denying posts from other women who are DIAGNOSED AS INFERTILE? Many women who are in an actual INFERTILITY support group are attempting to share their feelings and experiences and are reporting you’re denying them access.

  • Infertile – For Real

    I have to echo the other comments. I think it is important and inspiring when people speak out about infertility, however when someone who hasn’t actually dealt with it tries to speak for those who have, it can really come across the wrong way. I am sure your 7 month journey had ups and downs for you and I don’t want to minimize your experience, however unless you are over 35, you would never have actually been identified as “infertile”, it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive and that is NORMAL. I think it’s great you are sharing your story, but please have some respect for those of us struggling and battling infertility for real and phrase your post as a “totally normal journey to conceiving” rather than an infertility post, because you were not infertile, and frankly some of your comments are incredibly insensitive to those who are really struggling.

  • Infertile – For Real

    9 things no one could have prepared me for when reading this post.
    1) That the blogger hasn’t actually dealt with infertility.
    2) How hurtful it would be to read someone’s post insinuating they’re infertile when they’re not.
    3) How minimal your expenses are compared to the cost of actual fertility treatment.
    4) How envious I would be that you got pregnant after 7 months.
    5) How sad I am to not have a baby and still not be pregnant after 18 months. 6) How poorly informed the general public is about infertility.
    7) How jealous I am of your naivety when it comes to infertility.
    8) How angry I am when people can’t even acknowledge that they don’t understand infertility and the myriad of emotions that comes along with it, even after it is pointed out to them.
    9) How poorly informed the general public is about infertility – this was worth repeating.

    • Discusser1

      this might be the most amazing thing I’ve ever read.

    • bigwhoopwannafighttaboutit

      This is the most amazing thing ever in life.

  • Discusser 2

    You didn’t struggle with fertility. You didn’t get what you wanted exactly when you wanted it. I experienced the same thing at the age of 9 when I wanted a pony. Please do not confuse your experience with actual infertility.

  • MEK

    I am beside myself with your “struggles” and have no idea how to respond….SO, I’ll just tell you my story!

    My DH and I were married in May 200o9 and started ttc in Jan. 2010. I had my first miacarriage in June, my 2nd in November, my 3rd in April 2011…..that’s when the tests started! I have had scopes and scrapes and so many ultrasounds and blood tests I have lost count. You can imagine my excitement when I got a positve test in June 2013! That was quickly destroyed by a misscarriage, my 4th, at just after 8 weeks.

    I have struggles different from those who don’t ovulate or suffer from the other REAL infertility. Let me tell you something…Inferlity changes you! I used to be happy and now I am sad and sceptical! I got another positive pregnancy test about 4 weeks ago and was devastated! THIS is what inferyility does to you! A positive test, while wonderful, just brings up other fears! I am almost 8 weeks now and and anticipating this one will end like 4 prior but hoping this is MY miracle.

    You have NO idea what it feels like to want a baby so badly you would do ANYTHING! You have no idea what it feels like to really suffer from infertility. How dare you compare yourself to us!

    Congratulations on your baby but please know that did NOT struggle!

  • Colleen

    **This is a repost from earlier today because my comment was not published for some reason**
    I
    appreciate you being open about what you consider your “fertility
    struggles” and agree that it is important for this topic to no longer be
    considered taboo. However, I wish you would edit this post to emphasize
    that all of this is a completely normal part of the process. The way
    this post is written sounds like you think you were struggling with
    infertility but as another commenter pointed out below, what you were
    really struggling with was impatience. It can take a perfectly healthy
    couple up to 1 year to get pregnant so what you experienced was
    completely normal. Parts of this post are insulting and infuriating to
    the very large community of women and men who truly are battling
    infertility. Please spend some time researching the REAL emotional,
    physical and financial toll of infertility and then re-read your post to
    understand why some of your words sound so ridiculous. I am happy for
    you that you were able to get pregnant without medical intervention and
    do not want to belittle your experience, but please be aware that 7
    months of making love and buying OPKs (and a $10 thermometer) in no way
    compares to many IFers YEARS of struggles, medical procedures, emotional
    and marital strain, and the tens of thousands of dollars spent for just
    a mere CHANCE to have a family. I sincerely hope you will make some
    edits to this insensitive post.
    Have a healthy pregnancy.

  • Beth

    I understand that although 7 months is completely within the normal time frame of TTC it’s still frustrating when things don’t happen as soon as you would like. You are entitled to those feelings and there’s nothing wrong with them. The problem is you are referring to your experience as “fertility struggles” and that’s where you are wrong. There was no reason for your doctor to even begin testing after 7 months so to complain about the expense of some OPK’s and tampons is offensive to women who have spent thousands of dollars to have a chance at getting pregnant. You want people to feel sorry for you that you almost had to have an HSG (you really didn’t because that’s another test that wasn’t needed before a year, but that’s another issue). I had an HSG, an SHG, 4 failed medicated cycles, each with intrusive vaginal ultrasounds, and 1 failed IUI. I finally got pregnant from IVF, an expensive, painful, and emotionally draining experience. We found even more issues during the process and it’s a miracle it worked. I still consider myself lucky because at least I eventually did get pregnant. There is nothing wrong with sharing your experience but please don’t pretend like what you experienced were fertility struggles.

  • Just wow

    Sharing your feelings about your TTC journey is fine. But presenting yourself as infertile when you are not is incredibly offensive. You compared the invasive surgeries, tests, and procedures to ALMOST having a HSG and using a box of OPK. No. Just no. This isn’t a pain olympics, either. The medical community defines infertility as “the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy
    to term after 12 months of trying to conceive. If you are over the age
    of 35, the time of trying to conceive is reduced to 6 months.” You do not fit that definition. At all. So presenting yourself as someone who understands the intense, heart-wrenching pain and could possibly related to those who are living that pain every day is just….just…!!!!! There are no words.

    I am dying dead at the comments below from Discusser 1 and Discusser 2. LOLZ. I also want to give every one of these ladies who stood up and shared their feelings and journey’s a big huge hug!

  • Discusser1

    And just like that, indirectly below, an ACTUAL article on the struggle of infertility was written.

  • IntuitiveBlue

    Yes, this article is offensive to those who struggle with actual infertility.

    #1: No matter how long you’ve been trying, the ache for a baby can be just as intense when you’re not successful. I do believe that, and I can understand the good intent of the author here but…

    #2: Seven months to conceive is normal. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard for those seven months.

    #3: No matter how hard is it for you, someone else has it worse.

    #4: That someone else has it worse doesn’t trivialize your pain, but it should provide you some perspective that writing an article like this is going to come off like “poor poor me, this was soooo hard” when so many people struggle with actual infertility, which is an entirely different experience than what you went through.

    #5: Infertility is defined as taking longer than a year to conceive if you’re under 35, and over 6 months to conceive if you’re over 35. It can take a while for your body to adjust after coming off birth control pills, but that does not make you infertile.

    #6: For people with real infertility, IT IS ABSOLUTE EFFING HELL. It is month after month of major expense, the highs of hoping this will finally be the “the cycle” and then the inevitable ultra-low of yet another failure. It’s an emotionally exhausting cycle of “infertility bi-polar disorder” that repeats over and over and there is no guaranteed way to treat it. Some women are never able to have a child.

    #7: It’s infuriating to read about complaints regarding $50 digital ovulation tests when a Clomid cycle costs around $600 for timed intercourse, $1000 for an intrauterine insemination, and then when you get up to injects, you’re dealing with $3500 of expense. Not to mention the constant vaginal ultrasounds and loss of dignity that comes with that. IVF usually starts at $15,000, and can be more depending on the meds. That doesn’t even get into donor eggs, donor sperm, or surrogacy. Or the diagnostic testing. Most insurance does not cover infertility treatment at all.

    #8: If you’re not out about your infertility, you deal with the awkwardness of all the doctor’s appointments that you have to tell your boss about. Especially if he’s a man. People start to ask if you’re okay. There’s no easy way to tell them that you’re “fine” without TELLING them that you’re “not fine, you’re infertile.” You deal with people asking you when you’re going to have kids, and you say something nice like, “we’re working on it.” Then they’ll say, “well, you better hurry you, you don’t have forever.” Or some of the comments in #9.

    #9: If you are out about your infertility, you deal with all the suggestions of, “oh, you just need to relax and then it will happen.” “My best friend got really drunk on a Mexican vacation and they got pregnant.” “Just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant.” “Are you sure you’re doing it right.” Or worse, “Well, maybe you’re just not meant to be a parent.” Maybe you have a super-Catholic mother-in-law who criticizes your choice to pursue fertility treatments. And all of this is coming from people who don’t even know what fertile cervical fluid is.

    #10: How about side effects? Clomid gave me psycho mood swings, headaches, and hot flashes. Injecting yourself is always fun too. So is gaining weight. So is needing a shrink because of the depression that accompanies repeated failures to conceive.

    #11: And let’s not forget the effect on your marriage. Timed sex for two years isn’t fun anymore. My husband has actually lamented the lack of romance now that it’s always about when I’m ovulating. And trust me, after five days of sex in a row, you’re tired and you don’t want to do it for the next week or so, so it always seems like you’re only doing it at ovulation.

    So you wanna talk about how hard SEVEN months is? Try being grateful that it was only seven months. I hope that’s what you take away from this response, because I don’t mean you any ill will, I just think you need some perspective. Thank God it was only seven months, and celebrate the fact that you’re a parent. Don’t take a second of it for granted.

  • Goheadgyrl

    I enjoyed your post very much. To those who are whining and moaning and taking it too far need to shut it. U can’t speak for everyone! That is what you’re doing when u say the article offends EVERYONE/ANYONE who’s dealt with REAL infertility. I am dealing w it. For nearly 12 years now. As is my husband. When he runs out of optimism & deals with it but saying he no longer wants to have kids and then changes his mind 6 mo to a year later ALWAYS when u are ready to try harder than ever (as if thats possible) . We are praying people. The other night i thought i was well into the acceptance phase only to burst into tears upon learning a friend got pregnant in her wedding night & she’s 40 (im olderthan that now). In the morning i asked my husband to pray that God would simply remove the desire for a baby altogether bcuz i can’t deal. He flat out said ,”No. I aint praying for that!” He’s my go-to guy. My rock. He always has my back & he told me to bite it (basically) . Wait i thought he no longer wanted a baby final answer. I been thru it all, even wanting to sue all the doctors bcuz they kept saying crap like (@ 28-32) youre young, u got time. (@32-35) well… I’m concerned about your stress levels & the effect that has. (34 to 38) we’ll try some things, but try losing a few lbs (i lost 20. Nothing!) @ 38 to 40. IVF Dr s not wanting to touch me saying WHY DID U WAIT TIL SO LATE/LONG!?

    I’m a nurse. So add injury to insult i had to see women who don’t deserve to even babysit a kid let alone have any, pop em out like pez candy from the dispenser & so on.

    So i find it offensive that u women who speak for everyone can do so. Pain, frustration, disappointment, fear, the rollercoaster of emotions, the feelings of inadequacy and so on are VERY REAL to everyone that has to experience them . 10+ years is exhaustingly painful. 7mo to a year is painful but bBOTH are painful. Especially when this journey gives u so little smiles and so many tears i applaude your article. I found you to be sensitive, NOT selfish. U acknowledge that by seeking help u LEARNED something about what others go thru. In all my 10+ years i never thought about how my fellow sufferes felt bcuz i was so mad at those who achieved what i couldn’t. I wanna have a child with the husband i adore. I wanna stop feeling like I’m only a partial woman bcuz of it. I found myself smiling @ you’re take on it. And it made me decide to choose happiness (at least until i have a crying fit that I’ll probably never give my beloved a baby & if it does happen I’ll probably be too ancient to be happy about it. Its hard to think that if i have a baby between now & 50 I’m gonna die & leave my young child alone in the world. @ ovet 40 , i was just telling my mama how i still need her & i love her.

    Lighten up people!
    Thx for the share.

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  • suzan perez

    hello everyone, i am here to share my testimony on how i conceived my baby. i have been married to my husband for 18years without no issue. my husband has been tested OK, i too have been tested. but no issue. i had problems with my in-laws even my husband started to have new affairs aside your marriage. it was a very terrible thing to bear. i became a laughing stock among my pear, i prayed and fasted and nothing happened. i was now seen as always unhappy. after many medical treatment and there is no way. i took it as i was born barren and i accepted every challenge that comes my way. i was even ready to pack out of my marital home and stay on my own because my husband was not given me any attention that i needed from him. i decided to focus on my job and try to live happy on my own.
    on this faithful day, i decided to check the net for updates on healthy living and i came across a story of a man who Dr EDIONWE helped his wife to conceive a baby. i decided to put a try because this has been my greatest problem in life. today i am a proud mom. words will not be enough to explained what this man did for me. he casted a pregnancy spell on me and i noticed i was pregnant on the 7th day after the spell. i am a happy mother, the pride of my family, a miracle in my town. i know there is someone in same condition and you feel there is no way. i urge you to contact him via email edionwesolutiontemple@gmail.com. This is the solution to every single mother around the globe. distance is not a barrier, he will surely make your dreams come trough. contact him today via email: edionwesolutiontemple@gmail.com. you want your lover back or any other miracle in your life, contact him today so the world can be a better place to live. bye!!!

  • Glen Victoria

    I was married for five years with out any child, because of this my husband start acting very strange at home, coming home late and not spending time with me any more. So i became very sad and lost in life because my doctor told me there is no way for me to get pregnant this really make life so hard for me and my family. my sister in law told me about Priest Babaka from the Internet, how he has helped people with this similar problem(Getting Preggnant) that i am going through so i contacted him and explain to him. he cast a spell and it was a miracle three days later my husband came back to apologize for all he has done and told me he is fully ready to support me in any thing i want,few month later i got pregnant and gave birth to twins (girls) we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Priest Babaka for saving my relationship and Helping me conceive and for also saving others too. continue your good work, If you are interested,contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is: babaka.wolf@gmail.com or his facebook page on: Babaka Wolf

  • Getyour Loveback

    Amanda
    I was married for ten years to a lovely husband(PHILIP) but i
    could not bare a child his mother became a problem cause she was always
    on my case every now and then so i became bitter every now and then
    though my husband didn’t abandoned me so one day i came across
    sagohivcureherbalcenter@gmail.com how he cure people of their HIV
    diseases and i thought within myself a man who have hiv herbs will also
    have pregnancy herbs that can also made a woman pregnant so in my
    desperation i ordered for a pregnancy herbs Dr Sago told me that i can
    be barren that i will bare children for my hubby i felt relieved talking
    with him even before i took his herbs. Dr Sago of
    sagohivcureherbalcenter@gmail.com told me of several cases he has handle
    on different problems only few find time to share their testimonies
    that i would be drinking the herbs so as to render useless that worm
    that is always moving in my body sometimes after i make love or before i
    make love to eat up the sperm that would have gotten me pregnant i did
    all he requested of me and three days he sent the medicine to me here in
    united state of America through a courier service with the instruction
    on how i will always drink from it so i followed the instruction i am
    happy to let you know now that exactly after one month of drinking the
    Africa traditional medicine i became pregnant as i write this testimony
    now i am 3months gone all thanks to Dr Sago of
    sagohivcureherbalcenter@gmail.com he sure knows how to help people with
    AFRICA traditional medicine you can also contact him and have your own
    problem solve so you can be a mother like me
    in the course of our discussion
    Dr sago also told me that he has herbs to cure various ailment which includes
    epilepsy
    gonorrhea
    cancer of the breast
    cancer of the leg
    HIV virus this i first saw when i contacted him
    bipolar disease
    low sperm count
    bed wetting
    partial blindness
    weight loss in 3weeks

    these
    few i remembered though they are much you can contact him and discuss
    your problem with him like i did are 100percent sure he can help you
    his pone number is +2348133349055